the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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