I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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