I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Fuck appropriateness.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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