Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Someone came in the potted fern
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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