So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
