You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
