Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
