god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
