Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
