So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize