Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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