Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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