how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
