Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
