proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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