Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
