My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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