so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
