what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
