I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
