yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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