FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
