I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
