I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
