I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
