so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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