So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize