I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My bed smells like the plague
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
