I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize