who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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