you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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