pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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