I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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