In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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