This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
