i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
