I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
