two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize