from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
