I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
