please come you make the beer taste better
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize