he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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