my phone needs a breathalizer
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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