at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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