he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
