The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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