remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
pop tarts are not kleenex
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize