I'd wear matching sweaters with you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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