Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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