I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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