i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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