I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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