I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
