dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
