remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
