guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
