TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
