Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
