he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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