She's JV to your varsity
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
