why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
