Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
love makes seman taste better
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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