those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize