cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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