In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's Friday. Sex?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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