i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
