On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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