umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
