Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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