My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
