Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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