ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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