did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
