I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Someone signed my nipple.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
