I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
