hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
