The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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