I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize