and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
